My friend, if you just had yourself an absolutely awful month where nothing seemed to go your way, just remember…
1.
The person who had the unthinkable happen to them:
2.
The person who might just want to turn on the heat:
3.
The person who is going to have to play the worst game of bobbing for apples the world has ever seen:
4.
The person who learned one of life’s most important lessons the hard way:
5.
The person who is going to see white paint in their nightmares for the rest of their life:
6.
The person who’s driving a brand new Beans-san Altima:
7.
The person who swears there’s a pie in there somewhere:
8.
The person whose pizza went absolutely nuclear on them:
9.
The person who will be forever trapped on their roof:
10.
The person who got the Michael Scott special at their hotel:
11.
The poor, poor soul who has but one single bean to their name:
12.
The person whose neighbors never let the party die:
13.
The person who apparently cooked their dang sweet potato in the fires of Mount Doom:
14.
The person who screwed up dessert in a profoundly chaotic way:
15.
The person whose dress choice will have everyone absolutely buzzing with excitement:
16.
The person who paid buco dolores to always be reminded of their bad haircut:
17.
The person whose package looks like its about to be the second person killed in a horror movie:
18.
The person whose lamp is giving them angina:
19.
The person who is going to be very upset when they land:
20.
The person whose bananas went skydiving:
22.
The person who learned that the best mornings start with a huge mess to clean up:
23.
The person who lost the cookie lottery:
24.
The person whose gums I am currently praying for:
25.
The person who had this absolutely classic blunder we’ve all experienced happen to them:
26.
The person whose hands quite possibly might be allergic to cold:
27.
The person whose washing machine is up to some shady stuff behind closed doors:
28.
The person whose glasses are absolutely cooked:
29.
The person who found a lil’ friend in their completely eaten salad:
30.
The person who will never be comfortable pumpin’ ever again:
31.
The person whose bacon is approximately 97.85% fat:
32.
The person whose protein shake erupted with absolutely incredible force:
33.
The person who’s going to have to go on a dang expedition to get their package back:
34.
The person whose corn dogs are more burned than that which resides in Hades itself, folks:
35.
This poor, gastrointestinally distressed soul:
36.
The person whose big moment was a pyrrhic victory akin to that of the dang Battle of Asculum:
37.
The person who learned how to create a whole buncha goop in a short time:
38.
The person whose cake would’ve been a smash hit two years ago:
39.
The person who committed the cardinal sin of quilt knitting:
40.
The person who just so happened to buy the world’s strongest melon:
41.
The person who got hot seats in the American Express Jail Lounge:
42.
The person who got the deal of a lifetime:
43.
The person who created an entirely new ecosystem in their fridge in a week:
44.
The person whose bottom I am currently saying a prayer for:
45.
The person who found a pipeline to the old Eagle Butte Mine at the bottom of their coffee:
46.
The person whose laptop looks like it got spiked by Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor! Seriously, folks!
48.
The person who will never, ever be able to look at balloons in the same way:
49.
The person who will never get that hour of their life back:
50.
The person whose stairs look like a dang Jackson Pollack painting:
And the person whose apple is quite literally rotten to the core:
